Writings

Dear Boat … It’s not you, it’s me

By October 14, 2018 No Comments
Lisa-Brenner-Writings-DearBoat

I love how just the slightest shift in perception can bring so much needed clarity. It’s as if nothing has changed but everything becomes different and suddenly a new meaning takes hold. With a whole new perspective I am able to manage my life again and I reclaim my position back at the helm. I have momentum, purposefully navigating anew with a fresh outlook. Zealous once more, I am no longer stuck. 

I dated this guy a while back, he wasn’t my type. In fact hearing conversations amidst his friends, I sensed to be superficial. Once the oxytocin wore off and I gained back my lost clear sight, the shallowness was more evident. Not only  could I  see him charming the big-boobed, I also could hear quite loudly as he proclaimed we had zilch chance as in future because … drum roll please, “You are too fat!” OUCHY-MAMA!

And this conversation took place in a parking lot of the restaurant we were about to go in too; already seated were the friends hangrily awaiting for us to arrive, so the feast could begin. I stayed with him for another four months.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa … what on earth?!! “Why do you want to be with him after that?” The look on Mother’s face was one that I could tell she was not only frustrated, she was worried. I was bewildered a bit myself, why was I making the choice to be with this bozo that was totally not seeing any further than the cellulite on my thighs and average titties; when was I ever ok with a man whom would not commit to any long term future because,  “I was too fat?”

And shortly thereafter I knew the answer! I knew why I stayed for a little longer. It was not the shallow guy that I couldn’t break-up with, it was his BOAT! That big, fun, fast beautiful boat we’d regularly be zooming on the river, the boat was what I had the relationship with. Ahh…. the boat.

One could call me crazy, but… hear me out. When I first crossed paths with shallow man, I was, and still am a single mom. My son was age five, maybe six at the time and even though I loved my life back then, I really had no social anything going on. I worked, came home and my son and I did our thing. I didn’t even know that I was missing going out to eat, or hanging with friends, or even to grab a bite and see a movie, an adult movie at that.

So, meeting shallow man and going on his boat the first time ….. wow! I was hooked immediately; being out on the water, next to this hot guy, listening to great music, the wind in my hair…. I love the feel of the wind in my hair; a feeling of freedom, the reprieve for a few hours, from the seriousness and responsibilities of life. THAT was the meaning I made of shallow man. He was a dick! I could break up with him; it was the boat! I couldn’t break up with the boat. I loved the boat. Once I realized the boat was what I was attached too, it still belonged to shallow man; whether I liked it or not, they came as a package not to be separated. I accepted that, and I told myself that when it was time for me to leave, I would know. Three months later, I walked away head up, shoulders back and I felt great. It’s been over ten years since I dated shallow man; hope he is well and happy wherever he is. I know I am.

I wondered a lot about this experience; if it wasn’t him, rather the fun and social life his boat meant to me, perhaps other things, situations or even people weren’t really the discord or stress I oftentimes felt. What if it was something about the circumstance and what I made it mean… for instance, if I had made a decision that turned out to be horrible, did that mean I was a failure? Well, I never once thought Edison was a failure, I only knew him to be an incredible inventor; his creation brought light to the whole world in a new way to experience. For me, any mistake ever made by me or others, in my mind it simply does not equate to being a failure; for goodness sakes, these are life lessons, not life sentences! Interesting how I started to feel better of myself when failing didn’t mean what I once thought it meant.

Because I chose to stay with shallow man for my boating love, did that mean I did not esteem myself enough? After all, I allowed myself to be treated like that with insults and all. Perhaps it did; maybe, maybe not. . Perhaps staying by choice doesn’t mean anything at all. Even if I didn’t esteem myself enough in the beginning of that relationship, I sure as hell esteemed myself enough to get out of it.

So, maybe instead of hating or loving a person, place or thing however the person place or thing is, I can ask of myself what all that means to me and practice letting whatever it is or whomever they are to just be. I can explore that piece and switch it up according to what I believe as opposed to all the meanings that others believe. Suddenly, life has a different meaning for me, feels a bit more joyful. I appreciate the gift of insight that shallow man brought me. Thanks Shallow Man! And I mean that with all my heart.

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